Preparing the Way for my children

I had no idea what it meant to be a Mom before I became a Mom. And nothing is becoming more evident, as Miles and Maxwell grow up that “Being a mom is more than being a cook, chauffeur, maid, counselor, doctor, referee, disciplinarian, etc. (just to name a few). It’s about molding character, building confidence nurturing, training, and guiding. “ (Quote from Ginger Plowman in her book "don't make me count to three.")

A few months ago I read a book by Tedd Tripp called "Shepherding a Child's Heart." I have heard a lot of great reviews on this book from close and trusted friends. Miles was beginning to show some character traits that I didn't like at all! He was, well, he was a child who didn't know how to act. This was not because of anything that he did wrong. It was because Keith & I didn't teach him, or discipline his consistently. Jesus has entrusted this child to us, and he is expecting us to teach him how to live a life that is consistent with the bible, and consistent with how a Christian is supposed to behave.

Let me step back just a minute and tell you that Miles has always had a heart of wanting to do right. He was generally a well behaved child. When we were in public, and even at home, he listened relatively well and was over all a "good kid." Maybe it was the fact that he turned 3, or the fact that he no longer had all of my attention at home due to Maxwell being born. But what I started noticing was that Miles was ACTING the part. But not BEING the part. In other words, his actions were what I wanted to see. But his attitude while doing what I wanted him to do was one of rebellion, selfishness, lack of discipline etc. So this is what lead me to start reading some of these books on how to get to the heart of the issue.

After reading Shepherding a Child Heart I learned a lot about biblical discipline, and things were going well. Honestly, it is so hard to stay consistent in discipline! But it is so important! Galatians 6:9 says "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." We started to see results in Miles' attitudes and heart behavior. The times that he started giving us a hard time, were the times where I became lazy in my disciplining him. Not only were we disciplining him, but we were also having conversations with him about his heart. When he stole a toy, we would tell him that taking a toy away from Maxwell, when he was obviously playing with it, is wrong and that is shows the selfishness built up inside his heart. We were teaching him that he needs to prefer his friends/brother above his own wants and desires. Then we would discipline him followed by hugs, kisses, I love yous, encouragement and we were on our way.

But I still felt like I was lacking "something" in my disciplining/training of my kids. Then came along a book that I will consider a life changer in the way that I go about raising my children. I referenced it above. It is called "Don't Make me count to three" by Ginger Plowman. She certainly has a way of cutting to the chase when it comes to what the bible says about disciplining your children! I simply do not have time or the energy to go into all the ways she has helped me! But I will try my best to high light what meant the most to me! The whole goal of the book is to look at the heart of the child and to discipline, train, instruct and teach them in the ways of God. Proverbs 29:15 says "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother." YIKES guys! This is serious business were talking about here! What Keith & I had been doing previous was really good! Miles was responding (when we were consistent) and we saw a lot of attitude and heart changes in him. But what we failed to do was train him in what the bible says about certain behavior, and train him what the right response should have been! For example, lets take the "who had it first" dilemma. I have used this line so many times I can't even count the number! Maxwell takes a toy from Miles and I ask "who had it first?" It's a natural response right? But listen to what Tedd Tripp says about this issue:

“This response misses the heart issues. “Who had it first?” is an issue of justice. Justice operates in the favor of the child who has the quicker draw in getting the toy to begin with. If we look at this situation in terms if the heart, the issues change. Both children are displaying hardness of heart. Both are being selfish. Both children are saying, “I don’t care about your happiness. I am only concerned about myself. I want this toy. I will have it and be happy regardless of what that means to you.” In terms of issues of the heart, you have two sinning children. Two children preferring themselves before the other. Two children who are breaking God’s law.”

So now, instead of asking "who had it first?" to Miles I would go about the scenario this way: (Taken directly from Ginger Plowman's book, inserted my own kids names for this blogs sake.)

(Me) Miles, Maxwell is playing with that toy right now. Do you think he is enjoying playing with it?

(Miles) Yes Mom

(Me) Do you think it would make him happy or sad if you took that toy away from him?

(Miles) Sad

(Me) Would it make you happy if you made Maxwell sad?

(Miles) No

(Me) Do you think it would be kind or rude to take away something he's enjoying playing with right now?

(Miles) Rude

(Me) That's right Miles, and love is not rude is it? When Maxwell is done playing with it, then you may play with it.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 says " Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant, or rude, it does not insist on it's own ways; it is not irritable or resentful."

Since reading this book I have had this conversation with Miles multiple times, and his responses are very much like the one illustrated above! But the conversation doesn't end there! After disciplining him I show him how he should have responded by practicing! Children at this age don't always know what the right response should have been and so we, as parents need to teach them how to respond in every situation! The best way for it to become second nature is for them to practice the right response RIGHT after they had the wrong response. Granted, Maxwell is a bit too young for this at his age. BUT, there will come a day, and it will be here before I know it, where this will be very helpful! Miles is doing very well, and even LIKES role playing, and reenacting the scene over so that he can show me he knows what to do next time!

So, I know that was a lot, and I honestly didn't intend on going into all of that! That is just a small portion of what her book talks about!

The biggest lessons I learned were:

A) I need to know my bible better so I can teach Miles the basic truths about life! I want bible truth to be spoken every time I have an opportunity, so I need to be on my A-game when it comes to that!

B) There is so much more the disciplining a child then spanking them. It would be an injustice to my kids if all I did was spank them with out teaching them how to act next time. When discipline is in order I need to talk to them about what the heart issue is, spank them, love them and encourage them, and teach them how to handle the situation next time.

C) To not give up. Ginger Plowmans says it many times in her book. "You reap what you sow, you reap later then you sow, and you reap more then you sow."

I hope that in some way I have encouraged you or give you some insight into what Jesus has been teaching me lately.

I am so far from being perfect, and I am going to make mistakes. I am going to have days that I totally suck at this whole Mom thing. And there are going to be days that I feel encouraged. The only thing I can do is pray that Jesus and my kids would have grace on me as I learn how to be a good mom. And ultimately I can only do what I can do.

The rest is up to Jesus and my kids.