Taking my thoughts captive: Fear

I dropped Miles off at school and decided to drive around Renton for a couple minutes before dropping Maxwell off at a friends house for a play date. 

My mind was wondering off, thinking about this NEW baby growing inside of me. I had a doctor appointment scheduled for later that morning, and I was excited to see our baby for the first time! 

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by police cars, 3 in total racing past me, sirens on, zig zagging in and out of traffic to get to wherever the emergency was.  In an instant, my mind shifted from excitement for the new baby, to fear that something was happening at Miles' school. Was there a shooting, like at Sandy Hook? How would I deal with a tragedy like that happening to my sweet innocent little boy? 

I am sure I am not the only one who shifts to fearful thoughts when they hear sirens going in the direction of where their loved ones are. When I hear of a crash on 405 South, and it's rush hour... I pray that it's not Keith as he was driving home from work. It's a natural thought process. However... just because it's "natural" doesn't make it right. We were born into sin. We were sinful IN OUR MOTHERS WOMB. (Psalm 58:3) We have to fight against the enemy and his lies every single day. The times that I let my mind wonder into fearful thoughts, I am sinning against my God. I am saying to Him "I don't trust you." It's true, there is MUCH EVIL around us. It's true that this evil will affect me, whether up close and personal, or from a distance. But that reality cannot sway me from the truth of the bible. That God is faithful, trustworthy, and will turn anything that the enemy intends to harm me, into good. 

So what can I do with these thoughts as they pop up into my mind? Do I let them wonder around, causing panic and fear to creep up into my heart? Do I ponder on the what if's? I confess, that there are times that I do. There are times where my thoughts take ME captive, instead of me taking my thoughts captive. 

Because I have Jesus on my side, giving me strength, I have the power to say to my thoughts "stop!" I have the power to say to my thoughts "this is not right!" I have the power to rehearse truth from the bible and combat the lies of the enemy.  One of my favorite verses in the bible is 2 Timothy 1:7. It says "For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." 

Knowing this, empowers me to fight through it! The intense urge that I had yesterday to make a B line for Miles school was me acting out of fear. It was me taking the matter into my own hands. It was me saying to Jesus "I got this one. You can take a back seat in this situation." 

I am in process. Everyone is in process. I don't always get it right. I often times have lingered on my thoughts longer then I ought to. Yesterday, I fought the intense urge to go directly to Miles school at that very moment. But... I DID end up driving past the school a little later just to make sure that all was okay. Even though my thoughts had calmed down. Even though I felt at peace that everything was fine & Miles was safe. I told Jesus over and over "I trust you. I have to trust you. Miles isn't in my care all day long like he used to be, and therefor I MUST give him over to YOU to watch over him." Even though I said the truth to myself, and my heart even felt better after taking my thoughts captive, there was still a little part of me that needed to just DOUBLE CHECK to make sure Jesus had this one handled. 

I know that there are people, moms especially, who can relate to this. Being fearful for your children is as natural and intense as your need to breath. But even with our breath, we trust Jesus. It is Jesus that causes our bodies to act right, to sustain us and keep us alive. 

My prayer is that Jesus would help me to trust him more deeply. I am thankful that I see progress. I am thankful that he is teaching me to take my thoughts captive and to speak truth to myself. And, I am thankful that I see where I need work. Knowing your need for Jesus is always always always good. Knowing that I depend on Him, even for each breath that I take is humbling. 

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." Philippians 4:8 

My pregnancy with Jackson

 In July of 2012 we became pregnant with our 3rd baby. Keith and I thought were done with having kids. We were happy and content with two children. Life was easy. Life was good. We were getting lots of sleep and both boys were in good routines. However, Jesus had other plans. He continually prodded at me about having another baby. He would say over and over again through out the winter and spring of 2012 "you're not done yet." I even had a dream where we were driving in a car and I was in the back seat with a baby (boy) around the age of 1 year- and I remember knowing that he wasn't Miles or Maxwell, but that he was mine! And to note, I thought he was a boy in the dream. But there wasn't anything distinct in the babies features or clothes for me to think that he was definitely a boy, it was just an impression when I woke up. Needless to say... when Jesus asks you to do something you have a choice to make! You can either knowingly disobey him, or do what he is asking and risk. So there we were, July 2012, pregnant again and praying! 

By the time I was pregnant with Jackson I was excited about having another baby. Jesus really changed my heart. I mean... I LOVE babies. Especially my OWN babies. But it was an adjustment when you think you are done with that stage to know that you will once again, have several months where you will  be lacking sleep and figuring out a whole new person who will forever be a part of your life. 

My pregnancy was a hard one. My morning sickness wasn't as intense as it was with the other boys. But it lasted a lot longer. I was close to 30 weeks before the nauseousness subsided. I found out around 10 weeks pregnant that I had pregnancy induced hyperthyroidism which meant going on medication to manage it. 

And the hardest part. At our 20 week anatomy scan we found out that there was a potential that Jackson was very sick. This overshadowed the fact that we were having another boy. The gender no longer mattered... his health was at risk and we were worried. 

At his initial scan at my doctors office they noticed a white spot near (but not in) his heart. My doctor said she had never seen something just "floating" around inside someones  body before and sent us to the high risk maternity center for more testing. The following morning we saw the high risk doctor and had a higher resolution ultrasound. The doctor came in after the technician had taken the pictures and said "There is good news and there is bad news." They found 3 calcification's in his liver. Seeing these types of spots is more common than we hear about. Often times they are missed on the standard ultrasound, and many children are born with calcified spots that are never an issue. The bad news was that there was a chance that the calcification's pointed towards Jack having a very serious infection. The only way for him to get an infection, was through me. So they drew a bunch of blood to test and see what I had been exposed to since becoming pregnant. If I was carrying something they would do an amnio to see if the amniotic fluid was affected, and if so, then we would talk about treatment options for Jackson. He had the potential of being 100% fine, and also had the potential of having serious brain or heart issues. How do you process that? Where can you turn for peace in the midst of such uncertainty? 

The following days were excruciatingly hard. Our faith was tested. When I look back on that I remember doing 4 things. 

Crying. I cried for 2 days straight.

I worshipped Jesus. I played worship music loud, I played it soft. I played it over and over... trying to get truth into me by every means possible. 

I read my bible. I read about Jesus taking care of his people, I read about children being a blessing from the Lord. I read about how he will never leave us or forsake us. I read about how he doesn't promise that we won't have trouble in this world, but that he will stand with us and sustain us when trouble comes. 

I prayed. I prayed all the time. My desperation to feel Jesus close had never been so acute and intense. I needed him to get through this, and I knew there was no other way to manage this uncertainty with out his hand. 

Two days after finding out about the calcium deposits something shifted and changed dramatically in  both Keith and I. The prayers of those who knew about Jackson were felt and Jesus lifted something in Keith and I that night. We both spoke out loud about our fears for Jackson. We talked about the what ifs. And we spoke truth to each other. That night I slept in peace. Peace that can only come from Jesus. I still struggled with fear, but I was able to give it over to Jesus quickly. 

The following week my blood tests came back and it was CLEAR! Thank you Jesus! 

We had a follow up ultrasound at 29 weeks pregnant to make sure the deposits hadn't grown or moved and to make sure his heart, brain and liver were all functioning properly. Again, everything looked great! 

After Jackson was born we had another follow up ultrasound on him to make sure everything was functioning properly and once again, everything looked great! We were praying that the deposits would be gone completely, however they were still there. The good news is that they aren't posing a threat to him at all! 

The doctor at Seattle Children's Hospital said that it looks like Jack did have some sort of infection that "resolved itself." 

I can't help but think that Jesus resolved it.

"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? " Luke 12:25

INTRODUCING

JACKSON TAYLOR WEAVER

Jackson was born on a snowy Friday: March 22nd via c-section at 7:39am. He was 6 pounds 14 ounces and 18.9 inches long. 

The whole story: 

I had a feeling (and many physical signs) that Jackson would be here early. As much as I did not want to go into labor knowing that a c-section was at the end, I also was very ready to have Jackson and be done with this pregnancy. I wanted him to be healthy above all, so if it meant making it to my scheduled c-section date of April 1st, then that was how it would be. But really, and in all honesty, I was just tired of being pregnant and anxious to have my little man in my arms. 

Thursday night, March 21st around 8pm I had my usual "evening" contractions. Every night since around 33 weeks pregnant I would have uncomfortable contractions for about 2 hours, 15-20 minutes apart. They would always subside, so when it happened as normal on that evening I didn't think anything of it. 

Keith and I went to bed around 10:00 and every once in awhile I would wake up to a contraction. Around 2:00am the following morning they started keeping me awake and becoming intense and time-able. I was pretty sure I was in labor, but didn't want to wake up Keith because I knew he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. 

I timed my contractions from 2:00 - 3:00 and they were about 8 minutes apart. Around 3:00 they moved to 5-8 minutes apart. 

Around 5:00 they moved to being 3-5 minutes apart and VERY intense, so I decided to wake Keith up, knowing that I was most likely in labor. And we called the hospital and our good friend Becky so she could watch the boys. 

Becky was here around 5:30am and we headed to the hospital. I remember her coming in the door and I was in the middle of a contraction, curled up on my bed and thinking about how messy my house was. I also remember getting up after the contraction, making it about 5 feet and another contraction hitting me. Once that contraction ended, I hit the wall with my hand, and said "lets get this show in the road!" And then I felt bad, because the wall I hit was our shared wall with our neighbors and I didn't want to wake them up. :) It's funny the things you think about when you're in labor! 

Around 6:00am we made it to the hospital and they admitted me. The prep for the c-section was a little intense. They couldn't get an IV in me and tried 4 times. (Which means poking me 8 times to get an IV- OUCH!) Then on top of that, they needed to draw my blood, so it was a total of 9 times with in 15 minutes. It was NOT fun. But it didn't hurt as bad as the contractions I was having. 

The easiest part was the spinal. I remember seeing the dude who would give me my spinal and feeling relieved because he was the same guy who gave me my spinal with Maxwell & my epidural with Miles. So I felt so confident in his abilities. He did a GREAT job and I was numbed up in no time! 

The surgery started around 7:15, Jack was born at 7:39 and I was back in recovery by 8:15! It all went very well, Jackson was healthy and perfect and Keith & I were ready to get to know our littlest man! 

A couple hours later the boys were able to meet J for the first time. 

Jackson is now 5 weeks old. He is doing great! He has some reflux issues, but nothing serious enough to medicate him. (And I am praying we don't need to at any point, like we did with Miles & Maxwell!) He was sleeping 4 hours between feedings at night, but the last 2 nights he's been up every 3 hours. I hope it's just a growth spurt! 

Here he is at 1 week old: 

2 weeks: 

3 weeks: 

4 weeks: 

5 weeks: 

Later this week I will write about the transition from 2 kids to 3. It is challenging, and tough. But amazing and awesome all at the same time. 

Until then...

The things kids do

When I become pregnant I usually join a babycenter.com forum so I can chat with other moms-to-be about what they are experiencing. Some of the women I chatted with when I was pregnant with Miles I STILL chat with today and consider them friends, even though I have never met them in person!

Anyhow- on this chat board some one created a post asking moms who have children already to post pictures of things their kids have done that made you laugh, cry, melt your heart etc. I found that I have a HUGE amount of photos that fit into that category... and I thought I would share it with you all! :)

ENJOY!

Your kids will...

Want to wear face paint, even when it's not halloween:



Make silly faces when the camera comes out:



Fall asleep on you even when it's over 100 degrees outside:



Put things on their heads for no reason at all:



Make silly faces in the mirror:


(Ladies... look at your man, now look at me, now look at your man... I'm on a horse)

You will take them in public with bed head and stained shirts:



They will throw dirt on their heads because it's fun:



Again... they will put things on their heads just because:



They will get sick and break your heart when they feel so yucky:



They will make friends that they will have forever at a younger age then you expect:


When they are quiet it means they are making a mess... trust me on this one:



Watching them experience snow for the first time makes you feel like you're experiencing it for the first time too:




Big brother giving little brother some toys to play with doesn't always turn out the way you envision:



They will make you love Christmas even more then you thought you could:


You will always remember the first BIG boo boo that they get: '



They will melt your heart:


They will sleep in random places:


They will want to help daddy:


They think bath time is play time... win. win. win.


They will use whatever they can find for teething toys...



They will have bad days... just like we do.



They will make you laugh... "Mom... a little help here????"



They  may, or may not, like their first birthday cake:



They will get into things they aren't supposed to... like glass cups... which shatter upon throwing them on the floor... Miles found this out one day...




If you have boys, they will wrestle... and it starts younger then you would expect:

I hope you enjoyed a little sneak peak into my life!

A little of this, A little of that

Well, I have been starting to feel better with this pregnancy, which is especially nice for the boys in this house. The house is cleaner, the dinners are tastier & I am more involved in their every day lives, instead of being zombie like and just trying my best to make it through the day. 

Sleep has been my best friend. There were days that I sat in a chair or on the sofa and only got up when needed. (Like feeding the boys, helping with ouchies etc.) I hate days like that because I felt like I was neglecting the little ones that Jesus has entrusted to me! But I was also reminded that sitting down and doing nothing on my worst days WAS taking care of the 3rd little one that Jesus is giving to us. So when I put it in that perspective it makes me feel a little less guilty. 

The best part about feeling better is that the boys aren't watching as much TV. Yes... the TV was my babysitter on more then one day! They get so crabby when they watch too much TV! But now they are back to their "one show per kid" policy and I have much happier boys, which means... a much happier mommy. 

I have been having fun with some crafting the past few weeks! One of my favorite projects that I completed was scrapbook paper covered letters. I chose Miles' name so we could hang it on his wall above his bed. I will do Max's name next month so he has his name hung up by his bed as well. I chose to do paper that I liked, and wasn't too "toddler" or "boy." If I had a girl I would consider doing something girly because it is something that a girl would probably hang on to through her teenage years. But my boys likely won't care so eventually I will hang them somewhere in my house by pictures of them, or something like that. So I chose paper that was masculine, but something that I also liked. 

Here is MILES letters all done! 

A close up of his "M"

Miles has also had some "piggy" banks that have needed tags. So I managed to make his tags... FINALY! 

And just for some fun. Here is  me at 15 weeks pregnant. :) 

FAMILY Vacation

We took the  very first Weaver vacation last week! We headed to the Oregon Coast to a tiny little town call Neskowin. It's not very well known- which was part of the appeal to us! It's white sandy beaches were almost desolate. It was just us most days, except at sunset when the dog walkers and love birds would make their way onto the beach for an evening stroll. 

I felt sick for most of our vacation, which was a MAJOR bummer. But, I had a great time regardless. If you're going to feel crumby, you mine-as-well have a beautiful  view of the ocean to stare at, right? 

I will leave you with photos... ENJOY! 

Maxwells way to wear sunglasses. :) 

Happy Boy! 

Proposal Rock

Keith and the boys

Me and my boys

Keith and Miles watching the waves

I don't usually have flattering pictures of me when I am pregnant... but this one isn't so bad. 

Getting hugs and snuggles from the littlest

We visited Tillimook Cheese Factory one of the days

Tillamook Cheese= YUM!

My crazy boys!

My little clan

Tillamook Forest Center

Keith and Miles were acting like "mean firefighters" 

Miles the firefighter!

Monkey see, monkey do

Sweet boys

Miles 5 years old! And sweeter then skittles.

Giving mom a pose. :) 

Maxwell loves his mama! 

Smiles from Mr. Max! 

My buddy! 

Maxwell Koen

Milesy Bug! My handsome man! 

Miles Timothy

My buddies

Maxwell and Miles

Maxwell and Miles

Oh... and we cut the boys hair... it was getting outta control!