Taking my thoughts captive: Fear

I dropped Miles off at school and decided to drive around Renton for a couple minutes before dropping Maxwell off at a friends house for a play date. 

My mind was wondering off, thinking about this NEW baby growing inside of me. I had a doctor appointment scheduled for later that morning, and I was excited to see our baby for the first time! 

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by police cars, 3 in total racing past me, sirens on, zig zagging in and out of traffic to get to wherever the emergency was.  In an instant, my mind shifted from excitement for the new baby, to fear that something was happening at Miles' school. Was there a shooting, like at Sandy Hook? How would I deal with a tragedy like that happening to my sweet innocent little boy? 

I am sure I am not the only one who shifts to fearful thoughts when they hear sirens going in the direction of where their loved ones are. When I hear of a crash on 405 South, and it's rush hour... I pray that it's not Keith as he was driving home from work. It's a natural thought process. However... just because it's "natural" doesn't make it right. We were born into sin. We were sinful IN OUR MOTHERS WOMB. (Psalm 58:3) We have to fight against the enemy and his lies every single day. The times that I let my mind wonder into fearful thoughts, I am sinning against my God. I am saying to Him "I don't trust you." It's true, there is MUCH EVIL around us. It's true that this evil will affect me, whether up close and personal, or from a distance. But that reality cannot sway me from the truth of the bible. That God is faithful, trustworthy, and will turn anything that the enemy intends to harm me, into good. 

So what can I do with these thoughts as they pop up into my mind? Do I let them wonder around, causing panic and fear to creep up into my heart? Do I ponder on the what if's? I confess, that there are times that I do. There are times where my thoughts take ME captive, instead of me taking my thoughts captive. 

Because I have Jesus on my side, giving me strength, I have the power to say to my thoughts "stop!" I have the power to say to my thoughts "this is not right!" I have the power to rehearse truth from the bible and combat the lies of the enemy.  One of my favorite verses in the bible is 2 Timothy 1:7. It says "For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." 

Knowing this, empowers me to fight through it! The intense urge that I had yesterday to make a B line for Miles school was me acting out of fear. It was me taking the matter into my own hands. It was me saying to Jesus "I got this one. You can take a back seat in this situation." 

I am in process. Everyone is in process. I don't always get it right. I often times have lingered on my thoughts longer then I ought to. Yesterday, I fought the intense urge to go directly to Miles school at that very moment. But... I DID end up driving past the school a little later just to make sure that all was okay. Even though my thoughts had calmed down. Even though I felt at peace that everything was fine & Miles was safe. I told Jesus over and over "I trust you. I have to trust you. Miles isn't in my care all day long like he used to be, and therefor I MUST give him over to YOU to watch over him." Even though I said the truth to myself, and my heart even felt better after taking my thoughts captive, there was still a little part of me that needed to just DOUBLE CHECK to make sure Jesus had this one handled. 

I know that there are people, moms especially, who can relate to this. Being fearful for your children is as natural and intense as your need to breath. But even with our breath, we trust Jesus. It is Jesus that causes our bodies to act right, to sustain us and keep us alive. 

My prayer is that Jesus would help me to trust him more deeply. I am thankful that I see progress. I am thankful that he is teaching me to take my thoughts captive and to speak truth to myself. And, I am thankful that I see where I need work. Knowing your need for Jesus is always always always good. Knowing that I depend on Him, even for each breath that I take is humbling. 

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." Philippians 4:8 

My pregnancy with Jackson

 In July of 2012 we became pregnant with our 3rd baby. Keith and I thought were done with having kids. We were happy and content with two children. Life was easy. Life was good. We were getting lots of sleep and both boys were in good routines. However, Jesus had other plans. He continually prodded at me about having another baby. He would say over and over again through out the winter and spring of 2012 "you're not done yet." I even had a dream where we were driving in a car and I was in the back seat with a baby (boy) around the age of 1 year- and I remember knowing that he wasn't Miles or Maxwell, but that he was mine! And to note, I thought he was a boy in the dream. But there wasn't anything distinct in the babies features or clothes for me to think that he was definitely a boy, it was just an impression when I woke up. Needless to say... when Jesus asks you to do something you have a choice to make! You can either knowingly disobey him, or do what he is asking and risk. So there we were, July 2012, pregnant again and praying! 

By the time I was pregnant with Jackson I was excited about having another baby. Jesus really changed my heart. I mean... I LOVE babies. Especially my OWN babies. But it was an adjustment when you think you are done with that stage to know that you will once again, have several months where you will  be lacking sleep and figuring out a whole new person who will forever be a part of your life. 

My pregnancy was a hard one. My morning sickness wasn't as intense as it was with the other boys. But it lasted a lot longer. I was close to 30 weeks before the nauseousness subsided. I found out around 10 weeks pregnant that I had pregnancy induced hyperthyroidism which meant going on medication to manage it. 

And the hardest part. At our 20 week anatomy scan we found out that there was a potential that Jackson was very sick. This overshadowed the fact that we were having another boy. The gender no longer mattered... his health was at risk and we were worried. 

At his initial scan at my doctors office they noticed a white spot near (but not in) his heart. My doctor said she had never seen something just "floating" around inside someones  body before and sent us to the high risk maternity center for more testing. The following morning we saw the high risk doctor and had a higher resolution ultrasound. The doctor came in after the technician had taken the pictures and said "There is good news and there is bad news." They found 3 calcification's in his liver. Seeing these types of spots is more common than we hear about. Often times they are missed on the standard ultrasound, and many children are born with calcified spots that are never an issue. The bad news was that there was a chance that the calcification's pointed towards Jack having a very serious infection. The only way for him to get an infection, was through me. So they drew a bunch of blood to test and see what I had been exposed to since becoming pregnant. If I was carrying something they would do an amnio to see if the amniotic fluid was affected, and if so, then we would talk about treatment options for Jackson. He had the potential of being 100% fine, and also had the potential of having serious brain or heart issues. How do you process that? Where can you turn for peace in the midst of such uncertainty? 

The following days were excruciatingly hard. Our faith was tested. When I look back on that I remember doing 4 things. 

Crying. I cried for 2 days straight.

I worshipped Jesus. I played worship music loud, I played it soft. I played it over and over... trying to get truth into me by every means possible. 

I read my bible. I read about Jesus taking care of his people, I read about children being a blessing from the Lord. I read about how he will never leave us or forsake us. I read about how he doesn't promise that we won't have trouble in this world, but that he will stand with us and sustain us when trouble comes. 

I prayed. I prayed all the time. My desperation to feel Jesus close had never been so acute and intense. I needed him to get through this, and I knew there was no other way to manage this uncertainty with out his hand. 

Two days after finding out about the calcium deposits something shifted and changed dramatically in  both Keith and I. The prayers of those who knew about Jackson were felt and Jesus lifted something in Keith and I that night. We both spoke out loud about our fears for Jackson. We talked about the what ifs. And we spoke truth to each other. That night I slept in peace. Peace that can only come from Jesus. I still struggled with fear, but I was able to give it over to Jesus quickly. 

The following week my blood tests came back and it was CLEAR! Thank you Jesus! 

We had a follow up ultrasound at 29 weeks pregnant to make sure the deposits hadn't grown or moved and to make sure his heart, brain and liver were all functioning properly. Again, everything looked great! 

After Jackson was born we had another follow up ultrasound on him to make sure everything was functioning properly and once again, everything looked great! We were praying that the deposits would be gone completely, however they were still there. The good news is that they aren't posing a threat to him at all! 

The doctor at Seattle Children's Hospital said that it looks like Jack did have some sort of infection that "resolved itself." 

I can't help but think that Jesus resolved it.

"And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? " Luke 12:25

INTRODUCING

JACKSON TAYLOR WEAVER

Jackson was born on a snowy Friday: March 22nd via c-section at 7:39am. He was 6 pounds 14 ounces and 18.9 inches long. 

The whole story: 

I had a feeling (and many physical signs) that Jackson would be here early. As much as I did not want to go into labor knowing that a c-section was at the end, I also was very ready to have Jackson and be done with this pregnancy. I wanted him to be healthy above all, so if it meant making it to my scheduled c-section date of April 1st, then that was how it would be. But really, and in all honesty, I was just tired of being pregnant and anxious to have my little man in my arms. 

Thursday night, March 21st around 8pm I had my usual "evening" contractions. Every night since around 33 weeks pregnant I would have uncomfortable contractions for about 2 hours, 15-20 minutes apart. They would always subside, so when it happened as normal on that evening I didn't think anything of it. 

Keith and I went to bed around 10:00 and every once in awhile I would wake up to a contraction. Around 2:00am the following morning they started keeping me awake and becoming intense and time-able. I was pretty sure I was in labor, but didn't want to wake up Keith because I knew he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. 

I timed my contractions from 2:00 - 3:00 and they were about 8 minutes apart. Around 3:00 they moved to 5-8 minutes apart. 

Around 5:00 they moved to being 3-5 minutes apart and VERY intense, so I decided to wake Keith up, knowing that I was most likely in labor. And we called the hospital and our good friend Becky so she could watch the boys. 

Becky was here around 5:30am and we headed to the hospital. I remember her coming in the door and I was in the middle of a contraction, curled up on my bed and thinking about how messy my house was. I also remember getting up after the contraction, making it about 5 feet and another contraction hitting me. Once that contraction ended, I hit the wall with my hand, and said "lets get this show in the road!" And then I felt bad, because the wall I hit was our shared wall with our neighbors and I didn't want to wake them up. :) It's funny the things you think about when you're in labor! 

Around 6:00am we made it to the hospital and they admitted me. The prep for the c-section was a little intense. They couldn't get an IV in me and tried 4 times. (Which means poking me 8 times to get an IV- OUCH!) Then on top of that, they needed to draw my blood, so it was a total of 9 times with in 15 minutes. It was NOT fun. But it didn't hurt as bad as the contractions I was having. 

The easiest part was the spinal. I remember seeing the dude who would give me my spinal and feeling relieved because he was the same guy who gave me my spinal with Maxwell & my epidural with Miles. So I felt so confident in his abilities. He did a GREAT job and I was numbed up in no time! 

The surgery started around 7:15, Jack was born at 7:39 and I was back in recovery by 8:15! It all went very well, Jackson was healthy and perfect and Keith & I were ready to get to know our littlest man! 

A couple hours later the boys were able to meet J for the first time. 

Jackson is now 5 weeks old. He is doing great! He has some reflux issues, but nothing serious enough to medicate him. (And I am praying we don't need to at any point, like we did with Miles & Maxwell!) He was sleeping 4 hours between feedings at night, but the last 2 nights he's been up every 3 hours. I hope it's just a growth spurt! 

Here he is at 1 week old: 

2 weeks: 

3 weeks: 

4 weeks: 

5 weeks: 

Later this week I will write about the transition from 2 kids to 3. It is challenging, and tough. But amazing and awesome all at the same time. 

Until then...